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In conversation with Global Warming

Added on 13/05/2008

With Global Warming still stealing headline after headline, durham21 sends Sean Barnes out to grill the man himself...

Wikipedia describes Global Warming as the increase in the average temperature of the Earth's near-surface air and oceans since the mid-twentieth century, and its projected continuation. To be given the opportunity to go and meet him in the flesh was a daunting one, but one durham21 did not have to think twice about. After an initial surge in fame about 10 years ago – a rise most critics accredit to the decline of O-Zone Layer a few years previous to that – he recently underwent a period of massive scrutiny and some people like Jeremy Clarkson attempted to claim he didn’t even exist; a bizarre consequence of him refusing to ever have his picture taken or be seen public. Most however just accepted him yet continued to criticise his existence, Al Gore famously calling him an ‘inconvenient truth’. What does Global Warming think about this? What are his plans for the future? And how does he manage to be so successful while most people seem to have a severe dislike for him?
One question d21 can answer for ourselves is that - sorry doubters - he certainly does exist. And while he was warm (by name and nature) and surprisingly eloquent, the question of whether or not he’ll play such an important role in the future is a question that neither us nor Global Warming seem able to answer at all, however defiant he may be.

Global Warming is in conversation with durham21 sub-editor Sean Barnes

SB: Hi Mr Warming. Can I call you Global?

GW: [warmly] Of course you can.

SB: I must first of all say a big thank you for agreeing to talk to such a relatively small media publication – you are after all a worldwide phenomenon these days.

GW: That’s fine, I like to keep in touch with my roots, I guess you could say I was created in an academic environment, and it’s just good to be able to give something back to the same sort of people who helped me all those years ago.

SB: You mentioned there the issue of your ‘creation’, now, that’s an interesting point to begin with I think. Do you see yourself as actually created by those academics, or did they just kick-start your fame?

GW: I owe a lot to those scientists for making me what I am today and bringing me to the public attention, but essentially, yes, you’re right, I’ve always thought of myself as primarily a by-product of the sudden rise in anthropogenic greenhouse gases rather than an academic hypothesis.

SB: Speaking of greenhouse gases, do you ever see your old friend Greenhouse Effect anymore?

GW: [a telling look of sadness covers his face] I don’t, no. It’s sad because out of all the individuals that have helped me over the last hundred or so years she helped me the most. I literally couldn’t have been the person I am today without her, I owe my very existence to the foundations she laid for me.

SB: Are there any reasons for why you two haven’t seen each other for a long time? There were rumours that you two were... ‘close’ – shall we say – and had a bit of a falling out...

GW: [chuckles] They were just that, I’m afraid – rumours. We were close, but just as friends. The last time we saw each other was at a Velvet Underground gig in 1967. Since then we just haven’t been in touch – I guess we obviously weren’t that close after all. She still does her thing though, and I’m indebted to that, and long may she continue.

SB: You mentioned there were other people who have helped you in the last hundred or so years. Anyone you’d care to mention?

GW: Well obviously I can’t sit here and thank everyone who’s ever contributed to what I am now, because there’s been – quite literally – billions of people who have done that, and to list, or even think that I might know their individual names, is quite frankly preposterous and an affront to all reasonable sensibility. But if I had to name one person in particular I suppose it would be my good friend Solar Variation [Solar Variation is the changing levels of radiant energy emitted by the sun and can currently be seen alongside Derek Jacobi in Michael Grandage’s Twelfth Night]

SB: Solar Variation, really? That’s surprising. Would you call him an influence on you?

GW: Certainly, without doubt.

SB: His name just keeps on popping up everywhere, doesn’t it? He’s often cited as a major influence on a wide variety of people – Galactic Rays, Solar Wind – perhaps more interestingly also Greenhouse Effect’s older brother Geomagnetic.

GW: Yeah, I do happen to know that Solar and Geomag’ get on well. Then again Solar gets on with everyone, he’s quite an irresistible young charmer. And yes, he’s certainly got a big reach throughout the industry.

SB: How much of an influence was Solar Variation on you?

GW: Is! Is an effect on me, I still very much depend on him now on a day-to-day basis.

SB: Most sources seem to have Greenhouse Effect as your biggest influence, is that not the case?

GW: Certainly she has a role to play, but yes I suppose you can say Solar’s impact on me is understated. His 11-Year Solar Cycle is phenomenally influential for me – you could probably say I live by it. He often complains about how little credit the press give him when discussing me but I’m sure he’s only joking [laughs].

SB: How’s he doing himself, professionally?

GW: [nervously] Erm.... steady. He’s only had a 0.2% increase in irradiance over the last 400 years, which some people obviously get on his back about, but progress is progress, isn’t it?

SB: And what about your progress? How would you assess that? The Earth’s global air temperature has risen 0.18 degrees Celsius in the last 100 years – is that purely down to you?

GW: Actually I’d attribute quite a lot of that to Solar! He’s quite the father figure!

SB: And do you have any protégées of your own?

GW: Ermm... I’ve got my eyes on this kid, you might not have heard of him – his name’s Rising Sea-Levels. I wouldn’t like to call him my protégée because he’s going to be a star in his own right but I think it’s fair to say that for now at least I’ve taken him under my wing and showed him the ropes.

SB: Agricultural Yield came out in the press last month criticising your rise around the world, and asking for action to be taking against you to stop you getting any bigger.

GW: I think the less said about that the better, but he’s said things like that before and he obviously just sees me as a bit of a threat and hates for me to be successful. It’s a personal thing.

SB: In fact a lot of people seem to becoming a lot more vocal in their dislike for you. Retailers Marks and Spencer have been giving away free bags for life with every purchase, and Honda have invested a lot in their hybrid cars – all designed to lower your influence.

GW: I think a lot of that as well is about a positive desire to look after and help Energy Resources more than anything – she’s certainly not getting any younger after all, but again, that’s just a personal thing. Their opinion on me is immaterial, I don’t read the papers and I certainly don’t respond to immature insults like ‘inconvenient’.

SB: Do you not see these measures as a very real threat to what you do?

GW: Not at all, not at all. They’d have been better off doing those sorts of things years ago. There’s no way I’m going to respond to what will be a relatively small decline in source material for me now. It’s all lip service, pathetic jabs at me to gain them more public sympathy as I currently seem to be public enemy number one. But even if Europe and America fully abandon me I’ll always have Asia – at least for the next hundred or so years at least.

SB: You’re not going anywhere soon then?

GW: Not a chance!

SB: And what about your aims for the future? As you hinted at just then you’ve already cracked America and Asia, indeed, even the Antarctic – what next?

GW: Well I’ve sat down recently and had a think about this. I’d like to focus on the Antarctic and really drive on through there, maybe melt a few ice caps, I don’t know. Personally I’d also like to raise the average global air temperature by about 1.1 degrees by the next Century and help Rising Sea-Levels along. That’s obviously an ambitious goal but the very people who are speaking out against me are also telling me it’s achievable, so who am I to argue?

Four Seasons Hotel, Shanghai, April 28 2008

Sean Barnes

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